The Question.

I was watching a movie today on TV and there was this commercial about great weekend getaways on islands or something. I thought, "Wow, how lovely if i had an island of my own." Strange how mundane this thought actually is. Surely everyone will want an island to themselves. But there really aren't islands for all of us. What then? Do we dismiss this want as a lofty dream that can only be an abstraction and can never turn into reality? Why? I really want an island. I want to dig up sand castles and put little flags on them and build a home for my people to live a-happily. It seems much more important than having a job and earning money. Of course, earning money is a given since noone in my family owns an island and even if someone did, it wouldn't be a part of my legacy. So i'd have to have money to buy an island. But then, in the end, if i had that money, my childhood ambition of visiting all the countries in the world would need funding, and then i'd have to earn more money sitting on my new island.
I'm going wayward; my point is this: what happens to the dreams and aspirations of humans, both lofty and otherwise? Do they, in some weird way, serve as a reason for existence? Some people i know would say, "No, that's responsibility. You exist because you have to fulfil your responsibilities and obligations." Whatever.
I'm going wayward again, but more purposefully so. The thing is that there is not enough resources on this planet to fulfil our aspirations. I'm sure someone will disagree saying, "Hey, all i really want is X or Y or S(p) to be happy. I don't need the earth's resources to fulfil that!" But still, if we take a majority, it really is difficult to satisfy everyone's dreams. And then, our dreams keep changing and morphing and growing all the time. What of those? And then what about the things that we need? Clean air, broader roads with lesser potholes, more schools, cheaper access to air travel, etcetera, those are essential and their absence infuriates us and makes us want them and thus add them to our wish list. So with this growing list of wants on the one hand and the inability of the Earth, Nature, Technology, Fate, God, whatever to fulfil it all on the other, we have a pair of weary hands far apart. I'd prolly pause to admire the wide shoulders of this huge being, which, i assume to be a human male, but that would be going wayward for the third time.
Having now explained the situation in detail, my next exploration is in the direction of the theory of action to take in such a scenario. What dyou do when you want something?
A. You start working towards it diligently from Day 0,
B. You want something else 30 minutes later and are confused
C. You remind yourself that you have responsibilities on your shoulder,
D. You achieve it with ease, and plan your next item on the wish list.
The ideal action would be D. But none of us is perfect. So how do we do this? I mean, if this is the purpose of living, we have simply got to do something, right?
Yeah, there are things that we can do. Like wanting simpler things and not always building castles in the air, staying focused on one goal at a time, etcetera. By the way, what i'm actually doing here is simply talking to myself. There is not much take-away material here for a reader. You're simply witnessing the introspections of a confused person being essayed here.

At the end of it, I recollect some thoughts from friends on this subject, such as this: The mind is usually wanting things, and the man becomes a servant of the mind. He must, instead, concentrate on being content, selfless and temperate. That's not really possible by everybody. That kind of philosophy may be applied as i border on senior citizenship. It really is the purpose of life: WHAT I WANT. Unnerving? So true!

"y no mail?"

I was reading my some old mails and came across quite a few mails i had sent to my cousins and brother and sister-in-law. What I saw made me want to shake my head to clear the dew collecting inside my head. I had been so brazenly open about whatever I wanted them to do, and they would always reply with a sorry. I've never really been all that brave with anyone, but when it came to emails, here i was ordering them around! Well it wasn't really all that bad but still, I'm just surprised that those were written by me.

My first incoming mail was spam. CIAL1S for a 13 year old girl! No wonder it was unread mail. 'Course, Harish anna had probably instructed me not to open such mails. Did he tell me what Cial1s was? I really don't remember.

dear anna,
wot happened?i've not heard 4m u 4 @least 2 m's!!!
btw i m cruising thru my hols and 2morrow i get my xam
results.got 2 go to the kovil u no!btw,my cousin Reshmi's here and she's leaving 2de 4 kozhikode.h annas here.wt more?
pls do tell me when u r coming back 2 our dear Bharat mahaan!?
so long since i seen u .whn is ur course finishin?pls dont forget to mail.
anna says u r going thru a lot of tuf times.sok.tuf times do come u no?
of corz u do.ha !joke of the ear!!! ;-)anys pls reply soon.
be,
poochai.

I know it's crazy of me to post this here, but I couldn't help noticing how different I am now from back then. This was sent to a cousin when I was 15. My English was bad and I used the SMS language. The subject of the mail was: 'y no mail?'. I struggled to read and understand it today. I posted it here because I had a hearty laugh reading it, and invite you to read your first email, if you were born at the right time :)

FYI,
Wrote that email during my vacations after 10th standard to a cousin in the US.
Kovil means temple in Tamil.
Kozhikode is a place in Kerala. A lot of people I know haven't heard of the place, and most can't pronounce it. You gotta roll your tongue a particular way to get the 'zhi' part right.
H anna means Harish Anna, my brother.
Poochai in Malayalam means cat. It was one of my pet names.

It was all meant to be.

Always thought life was white and snowy
Just didnt wanna know it was not.
Always wished for things too early
Could have waited, it's my fault.

Why would I be upset and complain
When all is fine and set to rumble
But in fact its all a new terrain
'Course its my fault when I stumble

Lots of wise words from everyone
All having sense, I'm guessing
After all, they say, it's your decision
Wont take no blame for messing.

All the hope and faith I had
On the plans that had been laid
Of a life-like dream I'd had
Or is it a dreamy life I lead?

In the mechanics of routine life
The little joys I've lost
Like golden rows of candlelight
In a hallway caught by a draught.

Standing under the shower
I wash my woes away
It's right then that I wonder
Why it rained today.

How jobless am i....

Walking back from the salon
each step turns into a muse
why did i not make it stop
why did i not let it loose?
after all it was the scare
of the scissor's so bright glare
why did i let it nip my tongue
and render my limbs useless and bare?
i watched them fall and i cried
i looked at my future stepping aside
into the darkness and out of the light
leaving me in all my plight
i turned to my fairy godmother,she said
it's time you climbed into my comfort bed
so i did, with all my sad stories to tell
she told me to look in the window of hell
there was crying, wailing, an air of despair
she said, "Do you know what lies out there?"
"Kids cry for food and a mother, for love
is but found in a priceless treasure trove!
They know no smiles, no tears of joy.
All they know is pain in an endless envoy."
"Find yourself here, and i will grow back your hair"
"You know, sadness and joy never made a pair!"
I closed my eyes to view the world I couldn't see
and let my tears fall, they had set me free
I opened them and there was my phone, ringing
and i greeted it with a voice that was singing

That was really good timepass; you know, when you're all idle and bored and can't think of anything to do, so you go to the salon to get a haircut just for the heck of it?
No?
Well, it must be me then, and not the recession, or exams or age.
Tomorrow, I'll be visiting the dentist.

The End of Life as I know it :(

The last day of college came and went. No one shed tears, everyone was busy taking photos, signing tees, talking, laughing, without any care for the world, happy to just spend time with their friends. I was in that crowd too, talking and laughing with my friends. Maybe it was a good thing everybody forgot the fact that college life was over.
In the last four years, I've learnt a million things and met a lot of really nice people I hope to keep in touch with for the rest of my life.
It's just not possible to explain. It's like the end of an era. You just have to turn the page to the next chapter and get working on cracking it. It's something i really dont want to do. I've never been a stranger to change, but this time, i'm terrified of it. It seems like a large monster waiting to gobble up my life as I know it, and regurgitate a new one, with a sparkling new pen and notepad, which reminds me of our Project Lead coming over to my cubicle to give us a complimentary pen and pad. That gesture signified something, because I never got anything for free in college. We paid for everything, but we had loads of fun. But then, in office, I get free pens and gym time whenever i want, but life is far from being a party. No familiar smiling faces, no crowding up the canteen for food tokens (call it the cafeteria now), no throwing your bag on your favourite table and chewing on Melody chocolate that the cashier gives you instead of change, no more noises that can help drown out any laughter that you might wanna indulge in, no more bunking classes and still managing to get that all-important 75% attendance, i could do this for quite a while.
It's true for everyone, all 4th yr students. Everybody moves on. Some look back, some stay back, some others brood abut it and write posts like this one, some just forget about it in the hope of finding a better place to live, cos they didnt really have a good time. But for most of them, I can safely say that it surely would have been the most influential 4 years, a time that shaped them into what they are now, transformed them from completely lost 17 year olds to sensible and hopefully responsible grown-ups.
I guess i'm not looking at the bright side. Life is probably just starting. I'll probably be glad that i get to go out on weekend vacations, earn my own money and spend it the way i want, get to meet loads of new people and learn loads of new stuff from them in my own way, nobody gives me assignments, marks or attendance. But thats really not the point, I dont wanna get out of college! I dont want the party to end! Life was too good, the uncertainity that i now face looks nothing like what i want to do, and scares me no end.
Thats about the most brooding i want to do. It's party time! Farewell, a couple or more exams, and then it's the biggest vacation of my life. I'm making sure that time doesnt go down the drain.
To all my batchmates, i say, "I will miss you". To everyone who's past this, i say, sorry if i got you missing college days again. To juniors, i say, enjoy every second and make every moment a memorable one, but don't really worry about 4th year and leaving college and stuff, there's a lot to do before that!

Days 6, 7, 8 ...

Up we got, late as usual, at 08:00. And we were off to Rohtang Pass/ Snow Point. We got into four mini-buses, each carrying about 10 people, and started the 52 km long drive. The road initially followed the river Beas through Manali Town and then turned to rocky and uneven terrain. The higher we climbed, the colder it got. I was glad for my two jackets and my new cap. We stopped in between to pick up suits that would protect us from the cold at Snow Point, and I tried on about 5 coats, and finally settled for a hideous purple skiing suit. We continued up the rocky uneven road, and started spotting tiny frozen waterfalls, which sometimes overflowed onto the road and froze, making it slippery and dangerous-looking. The view was nothing like any I had ever seen. Simply too many mountains topped with delicious looking snow and sparkling bright in the December sun! We stopped on the way for an early lunch, where we realised how windy and cold it was outside the vehicle. After a lunch of noodles, pav bhaji and dosa, we continued, not before picking up lots of Lays and other munchies.
We arrived at about 12:00 at Snow Point, and it was super-snow-fight- time! I did some skiing, fell about a dozen times, each time bracing myself to hear the snap of bones breaking, (the skiing shoes were hard and came upto the middle of the shin, so if u fell, u risked breaking your legs if u fell on ur skis and couldn't move your legs in time), assuming that they make a noise when they break. Fortunately, I got through the exercise in one piece, and so did everyone else.
Everyone was filling their caps with snow, which was a tough task in itself as the snow wasn't soft adn had to be scraped off the ground, and flung it at their targets. I got a couple of earfuls, and another couple of capfuls down my suit, and of course, returned them with interest :P.
The best part of the visit to the place was, undoubtedly, the snow mobile ride. For 500 bucks, the friendly guy took us to highest point that was reachable, where the snow was soft and felt like sand. We sank knee deep in it and found it impossible to walk. Our guy offered to take photos and we gladly gave him our camera, and the photos turned out to contain only our faces and none of our surroundings :(( How I wish our hands weren't gloved and still frozen!
Anyway, after our jolly ride, we were left with drenched and freezing feet, and sore throats from all the screaming. Some more snow fighting and it was time to head back to Manali. After all the activity, the walk back to the vans was very tiring and we were glad for the warmth of the vehicle.
It was dark by 17:00 and I must say, hats off to the driver for making his way safely back to level ground. His taste for music was very interesting, and we got to listen to many new hindi songs. He also had an english song, i dont remember which one. and there was a local song with quite a haunting tune, that i can still remember; it was about a girl called Dinga Dingi. Funny name, but i dunno, the song took its place in my memory.
We reached the hotel, cold and tired, at about 20:00, changed and got ready for the bonfire. The best part of the bonfire was not the dancing, but the warmth from the fire. The hotel manager, who was our DJ for that night, played some really sad old disco songs and all we could do was wrinkle our noses in disgust. But someone managed to find some familiar songs and everyone was soon shaking a leg or two.
That ended day 6.

Day 7
The longest bus journey ever, from Manali to Delhi. The only things I want to remember of this drive is the beautiful river Beas, whose banks looked so extremely inviting, and muttar paneer and naan at a punjabi dhaba at 23:30.

Day 8
We reached Delhi at 04:00 after a 18 hour journey and were ushered into one Hotel Sunshine. That day, the 5th of December happened to be the day when someone supposedly fired in the air at Delhi Airport. The morning was spent in apprehension, but by the time we decided to skip most of our visit and only do some shopping after visiting India Gate, the news channels weren't even sure if it was indeed a firing. After India Gate and some shopping, we picked up subs for a change and headed to the railway station. Inspite of the rather inhospitable conditions within Himala, a goodbye to the bus and the driver and our tour guide Junaid was in order. That was the end of our tour, and the beginning of our journey back to sweet home Hyderabad.